Being right is worth less than being remembered kindly

A line I keep returning to says that we spend years building walls and minutes wishing we had not.

That is the whole argument, and I have never managed to say it shorter. Walls go up slowly, one small grievance at a time, and each brick feels reasonable on the day you lay it. Regret arrives all at once. It usually arrives on a day you did not plan for, when someone you meant to call is no longer there to be called.

Ego is the most expensive thing most of us carry. It costs friendships, working relationships and years of contact with people we actually liked, and it buys very little in return. Being right, when it is bought at the price of a relationship, is a poor trade, and most of us make it more than once.

So my rule is to forgive quickly and believe slowly. The two belong together. Forgiveness is cheap to give and ruinously expensive to withhold, because the person holding the grievance carries it every day while the other party often does not know it exists. Belief is different. Trust should be earned in increments, tested, and then given properly. Quick forgiveness is not the same as gullibility, and people who confuse the two tend to end up hard rather than wise.

The rest is simpler still. Love truly. Laugh loudly. Do not avoid the things that make you smile because they seem unserious or because you are busy. Busy is not a character trait. It is a schedule, and schedules can be rewritten.

Here is the part I would ask anyone to keep, if they keep nothing else. The people who matter will remember how you made them feel. They will not remember how right you insisted on being. Nobody recalls, at the end, the argument they won in a meeting years ago. They recall who made room for them, who took the call, who spoke to them kindly when there was nothing to be gained from it.

Warmth is often described as a temperament, as though some people are born with it and the rest of us are excused. I think it is a decision, taken repeatedly, and usually taken when it is least convenient. You make it in the reply you send, in the tone you use with someone having a worse day than you, in the phone call you place rather than wait for.

Life is short. That is not an original observation and it does not need to be. It only needs to be acted on, and it can only be acted on today.